The thing about telling someone about this particular resolution is that they can’t really call you out on it. Telling someone you’re going to quit smoking, for example, might garner a crowd full of guffaws but very seriously resolving to find a new job will probably result in a lot of “Man, I hope so” and “Best of luck, let me know if I can help.” No one would dare say to someone, “Yeah right, that’s one resolution that’s never going to happen.”

Of course, a good chunk of unemployed people are probably counting on 2010 as being the year of hope and recovery, and really will try to find a job in the next twelve months. Then the rest of us will continue to do what we do best to ensure our little paid vacation will stretch as long as possible using their tried and true methods of avoiding getting hired by either pretending to look for a job or sabatoging their only interview in months. Here´s to a new year and new laws that lead to endless unemployment benefits!

After nearly a year of learning how to stretch a dollar and get creative with less money, the unemployed are prepared to hit the streets with their elaborate and hard-hitting costumes. Not willing to be left out, the unemployed are reaching into their closets to dig out old costumes, recycling bits and pieces from friends’ wardrobes, and hitting up Goodwill and thrift stores to supplement whatever they can’t find to complete a brilliant outfit. Sure, brilliant might be a stretch, but when it comes to being nonsensical, weird, and just plain creepy, the unemployed are ready and willing to be a Halloween hit.

Some tips to celebrate Halloween cheaply and successfully this year:

• If you own or know any kids, exploit them. Use their toys, onesies, or last year’s costumes to make an ill-fitting Halloween costume. Floaties, a couple shovels, some buckets, and a deflated beach ball later, and you’re creepy, half-naked…Listen, nobody knows what the hell you are.
• Carry around a cup with a few starter pennies and say you’re a panhandler. When people laugh, give them a hard stare and say, “Seriously, give me some change. I’m broke.”
• Don’t be afraid to expose your underwear. In fact, people love showing extra skin on Halloween; it’s tradition. So, slap on strategically placed black and yellow stripes and call yourself a slutty bee. It’ll be an instant success!
• If you have an alcoholic beverage and tag “drunken” in front of anything, you got yourself a costume. Show up wearing your unemployment suit, and say you’re a drunken unemployed person. People will think it’s a riot -  you can leave out the part about you starting off the night drinking alone.
• To avoid feeling guilty about having no candy to hand out this year, put an empty bowl out with a sign that reads “Be responsible and help yourself” and let everyone think some jerk ruined it all for everyone.
• Do some trick-or-treating yourself. Stop at every house on the way to your party to fill up on some candy. “In this economy,” people are bound to forgive overgrown adults for just wanting some candy. If they don’t comply, ask them for some adult candy and hold out your flask to be topped up. At that point, what have you got to lose?

Many people went to college for various reasons: to work hard for the rest of their lives, to get drunk, to get away from home, etc. No matter which path they took, whether they actually earned the degree or had Daddy pay for it so they could eventually become president some day, the idea was that a college diploma would help them find better jobs than the ones they had in high school. And, of course, the notion that sacrificing fun for studying would lead to getting into a better college and thus, better jobs, always drove people to work harder and even pursue advanced degrees.

After accumulating years of debt and being unable to answer haunting questions such, “Why did I major in dance?” the unemployed are struggling to make sense of what went wrong. Sure, they might have taken their college years for granted, deciding to party instead of actually studying. But at the end of it all, they still walked away with the same piece of paper as everyone who actually secreted blood, sweat, and tears to graduate. The diploma alone should have guaranteed at least some form of mind-numbing employment, right? Unfortunately, recent graduates, or people who’ve been booted out of the work force are finding that having something to “fall back on” could have easily been their ability to tie an apron around their waist and say, “Welcome to Starbucks, what kind of overpriced coffee beverage would you like to order to jump start your employed day?”

The minute a pink slip is handed in, the soon-to-be-unemployed jump on the phone and try to schedule a doctor’s appointment as soon as possible. If they have the “fortune” to get laid off early in the month, they have that much more time to see a doctor before having the responsibility of paying 100% of their bill. If not, the unemployed will lie through their teeth about some sort of vague infection to get a chance to see the doctor. Once in, the unemployed will go through a giant list of stuff they want to get checked out, what vaccinations they’d like to have shot into their arms all at once, and ask for as many prescriptions as they can just so they can avoid future visits because of those dreaded co-pays. After getting their tests done and hoping for the best that no lab results will be negative enough for them to become disqualified for future health insurance, the unemployed will start figuring out their next plan: going to quack doctors, figuring out who will marry them, and raiding everybody’s medicine cabinets to supplement their unfilled prescriptions.

Recognizing that it was almost silly to celebrate a day honoring workers when no work has been sought in months only made the unemployed more intense about their Labor Day celebrations. They showed up to barbeques dressed up all in white in ensembles that were no doubt picked up in a hurry from their favorite thrift store or they overstayed their welcome at their friend’s pool party - even demanding that the heater be turned on at 2am despite the fact that everyone already left much earlier to face work after a long weekend. Mostly, the unemployed did whatever they could to be obnoxious about their unemployment, doing things like declaring that they would continue to wear white after Labor Day because that fashion faux pas rule doesn’t apply when no one can see them lounging at home. They also took to bragging to everyone how they too were taking Labor Day weekend off from their job search jobs, unemployment blogging jobs, and errand running jobs so they could relax and take the day off even though they have no pressure to be productive people. Though they might have “worked” through prior holidays, it takes something like Labor Day for them to really appreciate time off from work after a year of unemployment.

Rather than buy something at full retail price or surf Craigslist’s free stuff section for days on end trolling for a microwave or cute (read: ugly) dress, the unemployed will sometimes bite the bullet and head to their local thrift store as a compromise. Although futilely searching online in hopes that someone will cough it up for free is obviously the cheapest way to go about getting stuff, going thrifting is often a better way to kill a lot of time while saving a bit of money. Depending on who runs the thrift store, the experience can either be very corporate or very “what the hell?” where the unemployed have to spend half an hour sifting through a box of broken can openers to get to whatever they’re looking for - a winter coat in the middle of summer.

If the unemployed are not afraid of soiling their hands, they could very well spend hours sifting through a mess in their quest for the perfect outfit for less than ten dollars. Although it can be daunting for someone who never considered wearing used clothing prior to becoming down on their luck, the idea of saving money while also obtaining street cred for wearing vintage stuff is enough to drive the unemployed into becoming expert thrifters. The thrill of the chase becomes addictive and soon enough the unemployed are hooked on buying used goods ranging from smelly books to eclectic dish sets with high lead content from the 1970s to muumuu’s for those stay-in-bed lady days to board games with missing pieces. When a certain old smell starts to emanate from the unemployed’s belongings, it becomes pretty clear that from that point forward, no thrift store can be passed without the unemployed having to step inside “just to look” for things they no longer need but want to get anyway because shopping at thrift stores is just that cool.

Although there are several items that, due to their inexplicable ingredients and questionable quality, should never cost more than a dollar, the fast food restaurants have been jumping on the Value Menu bandwagon and aggregating all their cheaper items into one convenient list to order from. It’s as if the big heads are hoping that the unemployed will spend more money because everything costs a little less. And it’s true. A taco for $0.69 and a bean burrito for $0.99? The unemployed will gladly order that, plus a side of cheesy potatoes for $0.79 and, because they’re saving money by ordering off the value menu, they’ll treat themselves with a $0.89 apple dessert. Less than five dollars later, the unemployed have figured out a way to ensure they won’t go hungry while simultaneously given themselves a task for the rest of their day - Googling how to get rid of their indigestion. But seriously, as long as the unemployed are willing to eat deliciously unhealthy fast food, and can cope with their unemployment weight gain by eating more, they owe a lot to the fast food nation for helping to stretch a dollar and waist line.

For many people who have just been laid off, cutting down on cell phone minutes is one of the easiest ways to reduce monthly bills. Back in the day when they had places to go and people to see it made sense to pay $100 per month to have nearly unlimited minutes to gab for hours with even their least favorite acquaintances. But the minute a job is lost, those minutes are cut down in half, or in drastic cases by two-thirds - whatever seems like the best plan to get by and not appear dead to the outside world.

When half of the minutes are spent on hold after calling the unemployment department not much is left for casual conversations. As such, most calls go straight to voicemail which is only checked on nights or weekends. It might be aggravating to never get through to someone, and then not hear back from them until five hours later when calls are free and whatever was relayed in the voicemail becomes irrelevant, but it’s nothing compared to those who actually get through. For example, if mom keeps calling and the unemployed pick up hoping for offers of money to help supplement those delightful unemployment checks, the unemployed who are skint on cell phone minutes are likely to act like an ungrateful child who has no interest in hearing about Mom’s day, or about the neighbors who are up to no good. The “Uh huh, uh huh, listen, I gotta go” is a typical sign off that is sure to grate against the nerves of well-meaning loved ones - but when they don’t get the hint and a conversation rolls over just a few seconds past the minute mark, it’s the unemployed who have to deal with watching one second round up to the next minute. And that hurts.

The quest for toilet paper usually happens in public places where the unemployed are less likely to feel guilty about their petty theft. Occasionally the unemployed will grab a roll or two when they visit their parents, or quietly take a roll from a friend’s house if they’re on their last few sheets at home. Although the shame of stealing toilet paper from a friend might make the unemployed keep their distance for a while, it’s completely worth it when they experience the softness of two-ply paper - or quilted if the friends and family are high rollers.

The majority of toilet paper stealing happens in public venues like restaurants, parks, libraries, and office buildings after a job interview. Most established places keep toilet paper in one of those dispensers that tease the unemployed with that second roll that’s ready to drop down once the current roll is finished. Those are dreaded spots because not only can a hand not wedge in there properly, but the toilet paper breaks off two sheets at a time, making for a very frustrating wiping experience. Some places that either operate on trust or employ lazy workers will leave a small supply of toilet paper in the stall or on the counter basically daring the unemployed to go ahead and steal them. While those are easy hits and satisfying since the ultimate goal of building a stash of stolen TP at home is attained, it’s not as good as it could be. Instead, the best spots for the unemployed to strike are the places where bathroom owners take such care to lock up the toilet paper using padlocks or chains. These are a favorite of the unemployed because they have nothing but time to sit themselves down on the toilet and dedicate themselves to slowly unraveling the locked up roll onto an empty toilet paper roll. Joke’s on the padlockers!

For every trip to Costo, Sam’s Club, Smart & Final, etc. there are items that are more essential to buy than others. Alcohol, for example, is more important to buy in excess because of the amount of time the unemployed spend drinking alone to mask the sorrows of unemployment. Why settle for a fifth of vodka when 1.75 liters can go further for less? When people see someone struggling to push 50 bottles of wine to the checkout line they don’t necessarily judge, they say, “That’s a woman who knows how to pinch a penny,” and help push the cart along. Buying 20 frozen burritos is also a great way to help blow an unemployment check or two while ensuring that the unemployed will not go hungry for at least a week. Tampons, condoms, or Rogaine are a few items that would be great to save money on, but would be pretty embarrassing to be seen with in bulk - lest someone get the wrong idea. However, saving money is always good, so if “OMG I was so mortified!” items can be afforded, they should be stashed on the checkout gurney somewhere in between the more respectable items like the 50 pack of ramen, the 10-pack of generic granny panties, and the gigantic bag of prunes that scream, “I’ve been constipated for weeks.”