stealing-toilet-paperThere’s something about toilet paper that makes it generally acceptable to steal whenever the opportunity presents itself. For the most part, the people who are usually guilty of jacking a roll here and there are college students who have moved into their first apartment and don’t realize how toilet paper comes to find itself on the roll, and unemployed people who just don’t have a budget to buy it anymore. Because of its unsavory duty, toilet paper is one of the first purchases to get cut because the unemployed think to themselves, “I’m not paying for something that I’m just going to flush down the toilet!” As such, the unemployed become toilet paper scavengers, always on the prowl, ready to walk out of a bathroom with suspicious lumps underneath their shirts.

The quest for toilet paper usually happens in public places where the unemployed are less likely to feel guilty about their petty theft. Occasionally the unemployed will grab a roll or two when they visit their parents, or quietly take a roll from a friend’s house if they’re on their last few sheets at home. Although the shame of stealing toilet paper from a friend might make the unemployed keep their distance for a while, it’s completely worth it when they experience the softness of two-ply paper – or quilted if the friends and family are high rollers.

The majority of toilet paper stealing happens in public venues like restaurants, parks, libraries, and office buildings after a job interview. Most established places keep toilet paper in one of those dispensers that tease the unemployed with that second roll that’s ready to drop down once the current roll is finished. Those are dreaded spots because not only can a hand not wedge in there properly, but the toilet paper breaks off two sheets at a time, making for a very frustrating wiping experience. Some places that either operate on trust or employ lazy workers will leave a small supply of toilet paper in the stall or on the counter basically daring the unemployed to go ahead and steal them. While those are easy hits and satisfying since the ultimate goal of building a stash of stolen TP at home is attained, it’s not as good as it could be. Instead, the best spots for the unemployed to strike are the places where bathroom owners take such care to lock up the toilet paper using padlocks or chains. These are a favorite of the unemployed because they have nothing but time to sit themselves down on the toilet and dedicate themselves to slowly unraveling the locked up roll onto an empty toilet paper roll. Joke’s on the padlockers!

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19 Responses to “#140 Constantly Scavenging for Toilet Paper to Steal”

  1. Being female makes this process all the more sneaky. An unemployed male leaving the bathroom with a lump under his shirt, OBVIOUS. An unemployed female smart enough to enter restroom facilities with a large purse, GENIUS.

    Sorry fellas.

    • Vanessa says:

      totally agree. I may have a job (just love the site), but I actually just did the dirty deed yesterday before leaving for the day. Good ol’ Purse….got 4 rolls!

  2. NeedaJob says:

    I completely agree with Ashley. My purses are always huge, and always bulging with stolen toilet paper. I need to spend my rolled up pennies on important things, like laundry detergent.

  3. HelenHar says:

    Dude I do this all the time — unemployed, employed — it’s always good to have some extra on hand.

  4. Bob says:

    You ladies think you got something on dudes? Any man worth a damn can steal at least 3 full rolls and never needs a damn purse. I just empty my bowels into a toilet and replace those turds with a plastic baggy containing 3 fresh rolls of TP. It ain’t stealing if you do it like that cause I gave them my turds in exchange for toilet paper. It’s not stealing. It’s a trade off.

  5. Terry Prince says:

    I smuggle toilet paper INto the restroom. I’m like a buttwiper’s TP fairy. Your welcome.

  6. LK says:

    I do it too! Im so glad I dont have to feel guilty anymore as obviously, being unemployed gives me the excuse to do so…its like having a sickness that i can’t control…

  7. broseph says:

    I can only bring myself to steal from public places. it doesn’t feel like stealing for some reason. Unfortunately they always have crap tp (1 ply usually) at libraries, super markets etc.

  8. the bean says:

    I have to say…I found the jackpot place to get t.p. in my town. there is an oh so naive coffee shop in town that just leaves STACKS of toilet paper sitting unattended on the floor! Huzzah! Or…they know people steal it and they consider it a tax credit for “giving to charity” or something like that.

  9. Carolina says:

    ROTFL at this one! Actually, it’s something I’ve never considered before. (And, now, if I ever DO, well, it’s not MY fault, it’s yours!!!) No, really, buying TP each month is just kind of ‘automatic’ for me. Not that I’ve not been reduced to asking a friend for a roll or two at the end of the month sometimes. I don’t mean to sound ‘holier than thou’, but ‘stealing’ it from them never occurred to me either. I’m fairly certain they would notice, cos I surely would. Running out of TP is like one of my worst nightmares. It would be as bad as running out of soap, or shampoo or toothpaste…no, worse than toothpaste, cos you can always use baking soda in a pinch! I’ve actually noticed that most places around here keep theirs locked away, so all you could do would be pull as much as you could from their rolls and put it in your purse. NOTHING really upsets me more than a public bathroom that’s out of TP!! So, I almost always have Kleenex in my bag for ‘emergencies’. Then, I ‘huffily’ report to the management that their bathroom is out of TP. I actually got a couple of free drinks one time for doing that! (Maybe I WAS a bit noisy!) I’m STILL laughing at this post.

  10. noel says:

    community colleges are great because they usually have those cheap plastic locks on them that you can just bust open with a flathead screwdriver. i’ve racked some JUMBO 16″ rolls that way. pretty rough on the butt but they last forever.

    a mini philips screwdriver is quite handy in office environments. a lot of office bathrooms use roll holders that will pop off if you align the holder properly and depress a tiny button. kinda like a hardware ‘reset’ button on lots of electronic devices.

    don’t be intimidated by metal locks either. i’ve jacked plenty of paper towels from metal containers with a small flathead screwdriver. you don’t even need to break those locks, they usually just pop open with a little wiggle.

  11. PoorPAL says:

    My pal was caught by spy cam for emptying hand towel in his office building with picture evidence against him. Now he unemployed because of this issue. Can he sue the tenant for violating human rights or is better to let go as that tenant promise not to make a police report? Human rights verus stealing?

  12. Mikhail says:

    As a student at a major university, I can wear a backpack without seeming conspicuous. It has made toilet paper theft rather easy.

    • reeree3182 says:

      I used to do that all the time until the night my backpack
      zipper broke and TP spilled all over the place………..in front
      of the university chapel with a security guard headed my
      way!

  13. Mikhail says:

    Oh, the fact that I’m dishing out 30k per year to these MFs removes all guilt associated with the act.

  14. spencer says:

    I’m a big fan of taking an “empty roll” into a public bathroom and winding the entire roll on the holder onto my empty tube. Viola!

  15. Burt Ward says:

    Ok, so I’ve snarfed a large roll or two. Quite lately, its a a local chain that screwed me on a badly made burger. They also sell groceries as its a dairy store. No, not Dairy Queen. They put everything on the burger I asked them to leave off: mayo, special sauce, cheese. It had those items with a vengeance. I forgot to check and took it home. I had to throw it a way. I went back the next week and the manager said it was my fault for not catching it earlier. The district manager was no help as he promised a never sent coupon. So I took it upon myself to compensate for the injustice. I returned and bought a few items on the grocery side. I made sure I took my Marine Corps all purpose knife. I used it to gently pry open the lock of the super sized roll dispenser. Thankfully its was a double roll so I didn’t mess up the next guy’s visit. I’ve been to three different locations so far. The burger was $4 and I figure they buy those large rolls for $1 each. So I need one more roll to get my money back on the bad burger.
    Oh, when I visit fast food places, I load up on an inch of napkins. That makes great TP.

  16. djmug says:

    When I was in london i was so fed up paying to use the toilets i stole a huge toilet roll before got on coach haha it only just fitted in my backpack.

  17. Carl Bates says:

    best place to steal toilet paper is from a casino because they provide upscale stuff

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