#139 Buying Items in Bulk

Of all stuff unemployed people like, getting more stuff for their money ranks pretty high as far as level of enjoyment goes. Even if it ends up costing a hell of a lot of money to buy items in bulk, the satisfaction of knowing that the per unit price means they’re getting a better deal than buying a normal amount of stuff is enough for the unemployed to cough up more cash upfront. So whenever the unemployed find themselves wandering into Costco for food samples and walking out negative $450, they know they’ll eventually forgive themselves when they go into a drugstore and discover having shopped in bulk saved them $0.0185 per ounce of toothpaste. Because $0.0185 adds up when the unemployment goes on and on.

For every trip to Costo, Sam’s Club, Smart & Final, etc. there are items that are more essential to buy than others. Alcohol, for example, is more important to buy in excess because of the amount of time the unemployed spend drinking alone to mask the sorrows of unemployment. Why settle for a fifth of vodka when 1.75 liters can go further for less? When people see someone struggling to push 50 bottles of wine to the checkout line they don’t necessarily judge, they say, “That’s a woman who knows how to pinch a penny,” and help push the cart along. Buying 20 frozen burritos is also a great way to help blow an unemployment check or two while ensuring that the unemployed will not go hungry for at least a week. Tampons, condoms, or Rogaine are a few items that would be great to save money on, but would be pretty embarrassing to be seen with in bulk - lest someone get the wrong idea. However, saving money is always good, so if “OMG I was so mortified!” items can be afforded, they should be stashed on the checkout gurney somewhere in between the more respectable items like the 50 pack of ramen, the 10-pack of generic granny panties, and the gigantic bag of prunes that scream, “I’ve been constipated for weeks.”

Tags: buying in bulk, drinking alone, stretching a dollar