If you happen to know any unemployed people out there, do them a favor and send them an email. Whether it’s one of those dreaded forwards that Snopes.com is bound to debunk, a survey with far too much information, or an acquaintance unknowingly spamming their entire address book when signing up to a new service, the unemployed are happy to receive new emails. In fact, the unemployed spend a good chunk of their day sitting in front of their computer refreshing their email inboxes, somewhat missing the days when they had to go through hundreds of emails at work just to be harassed by their Blackberry’s flashing red light throughout the night.
Now that they’re jobless and have way too much time to get bored by the internet, the unemployed are desperate for email communication. They will drain their useless smartphones of battery, setting them to automatically fetch new emails even though there are never new emails to fetch. On occasion they’ll even browse through their SPAM folders just to read the smutty subjects or the entertaining narratives by authors who are clearly going, ”Hey let’s put all the English words we know in a line and call it a cohesive sentence! And then sell them fake prescription drugs.” Occasionally they’ll even draft responses to that kind Nigerian stranger asking for the unemployed’s bank account numbers so their deceased uncle can bequeath a hefty inheritance. The unemployed will even lower themselves to the point where they will sign up for newsletters they know they’ll never read but they just want to be able to run to the computer every time they hear “You’ve Got Mail!” aka “Someone’s Validating Your Life!”