#118 Finally Finding the Remote Control

Most unemployed people would agree that it would be pretty difficult for them to conceptualize unemployed life without a television. Even more mind boggling would be to live without a remote control. The TV is a magical device, but without the remote control there’d be no way to change the channels from their entirely-too-familiar couch crevices. So when it comes time to switch between the crappy daytime television shows that the unemployed have scheduled to watch every day, being unable to find a remote leaves the unemployed feeling utterly helpless.

The unemployed are well aware that they can get up from under their Snuggie and walk to where the TV is if they really need to change the channel - but no one has ever actually done this and chances are they have no idea where the channel buttons are even located. Instead, the unemployed will awkwardly fumble around hoping that the remote is hidden within arm’s reach - this move is done in a patting motion by bending the elbows but not quite extending the arm out. When that fails, the unemployed will shove their hands into couch cushion cracks, fearful of finding dirty unemployment secrets. As a last ditch effort to find the remote, the unemployed will sit up and creepily pivot their torsos around in unnatural positions, blindly reaching out and basically do whatever it takes to not have to stand up and disturb the ritual they’ve built around them.

Although the unemployed are legitimately annoyed by being unable to locate the remote control, part of them is secretly happy that the search has given them something to do, regardless of how pathetic an activity it actually is. After begrudgingly standing up and shaking out the Snuggie and smoothing over every nearby service, the unemployed sit back down to think of where the remote could possibly be. The sitting action causes a light bulb to go off above their head - the bathroom, of course! That was the last time they remember changing the channel while doing the do with the bathroom door open while no one was around to judge. Sure enough, the bathroom is where the unemployed will find the remote half the time, if not in the refrigerator. After joyfully reuniting with the remote control only one question remains, should they wash their hands?

Tags: daytime television, finding the remote control, killing time, Snuggie, TV addiction