#113 Convincing Friends to Hurt Themselves on the Job for Workers Comp

Unemployed people, for the most part, are social beings who yearn to be in the company of other people. After months spent in isolation, the unemployed realize they need to have some human interaction that does not involve their kids or their dressed up pets. More and more, their laid off friends are finding new jobs, leaving the still-unemployed behind. Knowing they cannot convince their employed friends to go through the lay off process again, one thing comes in mind: convincing their friends to hurt themselves on the job to qualify for workers compensation so they can once again have a playmate.

One of the best parts about unemployment is being able to devote a significant amount of their time to having delightful days of unemployment. These days usually involve doing everything an unemployed person would do on a weekend during the middle of the week but with more alcohol involved. The key ingredient to having a successful day of unemployment is, of course, having someone to spend it with. While some unemployed folk are good at convincing the employed to play hooky on occasion, it’s too much effort to keep it up, so it’d be much easier, for the unemployed’s sake, if their employed friends could have several weeks or months of paid time off, courtesy of laws put in place to protect those who are injured on the job.

Friends of the unemployed are usually horrified the first time they hear of the unemployed’s plan for getting them out of work. When presented with a never-ending list of ways to hurt themselves at work, ranging from mild to painful to near-tragic, the employed are usually very dubious of the unemployed’s mental stability and question whether they really want to be spending time with them in darkened movie theaters. Choosing between options like stapling yourself in the eye, losing a finger trying to steal a tampon out of the $0.25 dispenser, requiring a liver transplant after “accidentally” consuming toxic byproducts, and getting bitten by a monkey infected with rage might seem a little daunting at first. But once the employed people start thinking back to their days of unemployment and remembering how great it was to get paid to do nothing – especially since workers comp packages are often more rewarding – they figure the plan can’t hurt (lies). Besides, what can they lose (anything and everything)?

Tags: creative money making, day of unemployment, desperate and unemployed, workers compensation