#109 Treating Drink Garnishes as an All-You-Can-Eat Salad Bar

Don’t act like you’ve never been tempted to steal an olive or some other drink garnish for yourself while waiting for a drink at a bar. The delightful fruits and vegetables all gathered in their own separate containers are just too tempting to resist sometimes. For example, there’s always a guy who’s ordering scotch, neat, who might snag a maraschino cherry when he thinks no one is looking. Or, when someone wants to line their stomach for a martini, they might help themselves to an extra olive or two before their drinks arrive. That’s completely  natural.

The unemployed, on the other hand, treat drink garnishes as one of their only sources of food sustenance and nutrition. Irradiated as they may be, those cherries still might provide some fiber – if the stem is swallowed during a tongue knotting attempt. Usually the unemployed will scope out the bar situation to see where the bartenders are busiest, and head to the other end. One must keep the bartender away to get a satisfying amount of garnishes in the stomach before the bartender heads their way to begrudgingly pour the requested glass of water. With a twist.

Whenever the bartender looks the other direction, the unemployed will grab a celery stick in one hand and a fistful of olives in the other, and quickly duck to chew and swallow before heading up for another go. They will do this repeatedly, especially if at classier joints where pickled garlic, onions, carrot sticks, olives stuff with cheese, and actual fruit are served with drinks. When they’re drunk off the drinks their friends buy them, they will become bolder in their endeavors and start making shish kebabs out of the garnishes with the straws. This of course tends to get the attention of the bartender who will snap the case shut and scold, “This ain’t a salad bar” to which the unemployed will respond with a bellowing, “Lay off me, I’m starving!” Everyone in the bar will guffaw at the Chris Farley/SNL reference and all will be forgiven with a drink on the house complete with, you guessed it, extra garnishes.

Tags: all you can eat, drinking alone, free stuff, unemployment shame