#106 Sabotaging Their Only Interview in Months

After months of failing at getting any responses from prospective employers, or just straight up not applying for any jobs, the unemployed are somewhat bewildered when they’re contacted for an interview. Chances are they have absolutely no idea what they’ve applied for due to the hundreds of cover letters and resumes they must have sent out since being laid off. But one thing the unemployed can be sure about is that they absolutely do not want the job and will do anything to get out of it.

The probability that they finally applied to any job out there just to fulfill their unemployment insurance requirements is very high. After flying under the radar for months and checking off the form that they’ve been actively looking for work each day, the unemployment department finally asked to prove they’ve been looking for work and going on interviews. Panicked about losing their glorious unemployment checks, they applied for any old job, including ones that paid almost as much as unemployment (so, a tiny fraction of their previous salaries) that they were way overqualified for. Of course, those kinds of jobs are usually the only ones they’d actually hear back from whereas “desirable” employment remains untouchable.

The best way to sabotage an interview without doing the obvious of skipping it all together is to do a combination of the following - whatever feels more comfortable and would make for a better story. Much like Stuff Unemployed People Like, this list could go on and on but here are a few surefire ways to avoid entering the work force:

• Show up hungover or still intoxicated.
• Wear inappropriate clothing that screams “I just don’t care.”
• Repeatedly mention the wrong company name, and when corrected, say, “I’d totally rather work there.”
• Let them know you only showed up to fulfill your unemployment benefit/parole requirements.
• Outsmart and embarrass your interviewer who is obviously less experienced than you are and is very likely just a college intern you’d be reporting to.
• Tell them you have absolutely no idea what the job is for and didn’t bother doing any research despite having days to prepare.
• Ask them not to mention your general disdain for the job and/or the working world when the unemployment calls to follow up. Then ask them to validate your parking or reimburse your bus fare costs.
• Jump in the reception area fish tank and steal their fish, letting them know it’ll be your first meal in a week since spending all your food stamp money on booze.
• Make sure they understand you’re too good for the job and would be far more content sitting around scratching yourself until it’s time to cash your latest unemployment check. Then say you’re looking forward to round two.
• Follow up by sending a thank you note with a pop-up middle finger because it’s a good chance to show off your arts and craft skills that you forgot to mention during the interview.

Tags: abusing unemployment benefits, endless unemployment benefits, job searching, sabotaging an interview, unemployment check