#102 Stealing Excessive Sugar and Condiments From Restaurants

It’s not uncommon for people to instinctively begin hoarding things the minute hard times hit. “In this economy,” it’s easy to find a new generation of pack rats who grab and store whatever they can wherever they can just in case they’ll need it some day. What used to be a fairly common practice of keeping the annoying extra packets of sugar or ketchup (given out by clueless fast food restaurant employees who know nothing about waste or keeping costs low) in the corner of a drawer quickly escalates to using an entire drawer to house said condiments. 

Now that the unemployed have learned to disregard all notions of shame, they have no qualms with actively adding to their condiment drawer by stealing mass quantities of whatever they can get their hands on. If, for example, they find a fast food chain that does not charge for tastier sauces like honey mustard, barbecue, or ranch, the unemployed will openly shove these delightful dipping sauces into all pockets, messenger bags, and purses available and run out before management can retrieve their sauces and permanently ban them. By doing so, the next time they go to a restaurant (McDonald’s) that charges for extra dipping sauce, they know they can save money by dipping into their condiment drawer stocked full of their favorite chicken nugget sauces.

One of the things the unemployed always swear they’re going to do is refill their ketchup, mustard, or soy sauce by squeezing all the packets into the original bottles. However, with a hodgepodge of different brands of sauces, some more dangerously colored than others, and absolutely no idea how old the condiments are, the unemployed are more likely to ignore everything in their drawer until it grows out of control. At that point, after gaining interest in learning how to cook, the unemployed will be creative and invent their own version of Unemployment Soup, an intriguing twist on ketchup soup – but with more ingredients like that one packet of lime juice, light and regular soy sauce, taco sauce ranging from mild to mouth burning, a smidgen of Grey Poupon for a mustard-y kick, a wicked combination of sugar and Splenda, all topped off with a dallop of horseradish sauce from Arby’s. Throw some old chicken nuggets in there and you got yourself a stew! After a meal like that, those who have roommates, significant others, or other victims to torture, are often rewarded for their thieving efforts by getting a free meal to wash out the taste of Unemployment Soup at a nice sit down restaurant, or any establishment without take-away condiments.

Tags: hoarding, in this economy, learning how to cook, stealing, stretching a dollar, unemployment soup