#96 Poorly Justifying Why They Need a Smartphone

For all those who didn’t melt into a puddle with joy over the Palm Pre because they were waiting for the much-rumored new iPhone, that dream was answered today with the announcement of the iPhone 3G S. The much ballyhooed smartphone war of 2009 has officially started, and the unemployed are all about trying to sway the battle one way or the other. Whether it’s the Palm Pre, the iPhone 3G S, or the somewhat forgotten about Blackberry (at least this week), the unemployed feel the need to get their jobless little hands on the latest and greatest technology that they really don’t need. 

The number one reason the unemployed want a smartphone is because they’re shiny and new. Back in the day when they had money, they could buy what they wanted without a thought or by sacrificing something else like a vacation. Now, with no real need for a phone that acts as an entertainment vessel, personal organizer, and delightful portal to the tech world, the unemployed still have the mentality that they need a new phone. Wanting something is not enough to justify dropping a couple hundred dollars here and there, so the reasons they cite for needing a smartphone:

- A personal organizer is integral to ensure no interviews are slept through.
- Connectivity to the internet and therefore to email access is essential in case would-be prospective employers happen to write back.
- Access to fancy and exciting applications like GPS are key to ensuring they never get lost on a way to an interview.

Of course, anyone could see that the unemployed are lying through their teeth when they claim they actually need a smartphone. Everyone knows that the unemployed spent 10am-12pm today reading live streams of the WWDC, getting sold on all the shiny new Apple products. They then spent the rest of the day trying to come up with a list of reasons they should present to their parents (who begrudgingly added them to the family plan, and haven’t seen a dime towards the cell phone bill) for needing to spend money on a smartphone and an expensive data plan instead of helping to pay rent. For those who don’t live at home, they spent the afternoon determining how they can budget their unemployment checks to “afford” a new Pre or iPhone 3G S (because they can’t settle for the 3G), and the solution they came up with was to eat a lot of ramen, stop taking their friends out on the government, and then seduce someone into paying for the monthly bill after saving up enough unemployment checks to get the shiny new phone they obviously deserve.

Tags: abusing unemployment benefits, iPhone 3GS, on the government, Palm Pre, stimulating the economy by shopping, unemployment check