#56 Going Green “For the Environment”

One noticeable trend from this “economic downturn” is the birth of Recession Environmentalists that has resulted in a sudden boom in “green” activity. It’s kind of like the whole saving of scrap metal for World War II, but instead of helping the country, people are helping themselves. All under the guise of preserving the environment.  

Recession Environmentalists begin with the easy stuff. They’ll start drinking tap water instead of bottled to save money but say it’s because plastic is an environmental hazard that can release toxic chemicals into water. Instead of using the dryer, they hang dry their clothing “like in the olden days”. If you catch them after laundry day, you’ll likely see them force a grin as their stiff clothing chafes them while smelling like air pollution. Now that it’s warming up, after months of not turning on the heater, they’re not turning on the air conditioner, insisting that sweating into the couch while playing video games isn’t so bad if it means reducing their carbon footprint. 

The worst of the Recession Environmentalist offenders are the recyclers. They’re the ones who suddenly start hoarding bags of recyclables and will walk around forever with a bottle or can until they can add it to their growing mountain. You can tell they’re not really recycling for the environment so much as for their wallet if they go out for lunch and take their empty can home instead of using the restaurant’s recycling bin. These guys suddenly have cat-like reflexes so when they see someone tossing a bottle into the trash, they’ll hyper-extend their arm to grab it before it lands – because it’s not like they’re homeless (yet) and willing to dig through the trash. Recession Environmentalists have standards.

Gone are the days when the unemployed would throw their recyclables into a collection bin to be carted away. Now that they’re Recession Environmentalists, they will take all their stuff to an actual recycling center and make sure they get paid. Before, they would leave recyclables in a bag outside the recycle bin, so scavengers could quietly remove them, and the employed could sleep in peace without the racket of clanking bottles. Now that the unemployed are recycling for money, the days of hearing shopping carts creaking down the street at 2AM are gone. Even the traditional homeless are hurting “in this economy.” 

Recession Environmentalists don’t recycle paper or conserve water when the building pays because they don’t get anything out of it. They will however nag their family to conserve napkins because “paper doesn’t grow on trees” and then slink away before anyone realizes what they said. At a restaurant, they’ll use as many napkins as they want because the rule only applies when the unemployed have to directly pay for it. Most Recession Environmentalists will turn back into wasteful Americans the rest of the world has grown to hate once the economy turns back around. Until then, beware of inviting your unemployed friends over, because they’re totally eyeing your recycle stash.

Tags: creative money making, going green, in this economy, recession environmentalists, recycling