#55 Trying to Befriend More Successful Unemployed People Like Paris Hilton

Once the unemployed have grown accustomed to leeching off the government, what’s to stop them from going after people with money to supplement their jobless lifestyle? It’s not like gold diggers are a new concept – people have been searching for a sugar mama or sugar daddy for as long as money has been around. But if you’re not looking for a “relationship”, the next best thing is to find someone who can provide both companionship and either free goods or money, as those are key elements for having successful days of unemployment. 

Not everyone can be so lucky to befriend uber-successful unemployed socialite Paris Hilton, but they sure can try. If you’re really looking to become Paris Hilton’s BFF, all you’d have to do is follow the paparazzi following the bleached tufts of hair that are shed throughout Los Angeles, or try out for her reality TV show. There’s nothing redeemable about becoming friends with Paris Hilton other than the fact that she’s rich despite having no real job and manages to get a lot of free stuff – any unemployed person’s dream. That means she has time to do all the things you’ve wished for like getting photographed looking ridiculous, eating at nice restaurants in hopes of getting a comped meal, and not having to worry about waiting forever to get into some club. Sure, you might have to wear a latex outfit for your own safety when hanging out with Paris Hilton, but these are compromises that must be made to have an active social life without having to drop a dime. Unemployed actress Lindsay Lohan is probably trying to get back on the Paris Hilton bandwagon after falling off in some weird female “celebrity” spat years ago, especially now that she’s broken up with her sugar daddy mama Samantha Ronson. 

Of course, if you fail at becoming Paris Hilton’s friend (if that can be considered failure) you could always tone down the successfully unemployed friend search, and go for someone who is successful in terms of unemployment. This could mean hanging out with that one friend of a friend who never has to work, acts like a slob, but manages to live in a fancy place because he’s really a trust fund baby. You could also become friends with those who receive bigger unemployment checks than you because they had a higher salary before getting laid off. Or, you could start trolling lay off websites to find people who not only got huge severance packages but also want to celebrate their freedom by taking friends out on the government. If all else fails, suck it up and post on Craigslist to find a sugar daddy/mama – just try not to hang out with poorer unemployed people because those guys have less money to spend on getting drunk in the afternoon.

Tags: Lindsay Lohan, on the government, Paris Hilton, successfully unemployed, unemployment check