The minute the unemployed lose their jobs, they lose all motivation to maintain their appearances and quickly fall victim to not caring how they look because they have no places to go and no people to see. As they gravitate towards assembling an unemployment suit, they’ll take advantage of their flexible attire by lying in bed or sitting on the couch all day, junk food readily accessible.
The constant immobility for some reason causes insatiable boredom hunger, and frequent pausing of the TiVo or a video game become necessary to assemble a quick snack like a grilled cheese sandwich filled with crushed potato chips. Not only are carbs and cheese relatively inexpensive but they’re also greatly satisfying, causing the unemployed to go back throughout the day for seconds and thirds. Other popular unemployment snack foods include whatever can easily fit in one hand whether it be nuts, jelly beans, or a cold pancake from yesterday’s elaborate learning-how-to-cook breakfast. Occasionally something healthy will be eaten but those need to be well timed so a significant other or roommate doesn’t return home to a gassy smelling place.
Some obvious signs of unemployment weight gain include having to buy bigger lazy pants, not fitting into jeans for those rare “normal human” days, and causing permanent grooves in various memory foam products. At first the unemployed feel bad about letting themselves go, but feeling so good about eating so bad outweighs the guilt. It’s not until they finally land a job interview and realize they’re borderline Tommy Boy aka fat man in a little coat who can’t fit into their work clothes that they decide something must be done. So the unemployed rifle through their recycling and dig out a “Two Week Free Trial” gym membership flyer and start awkwardly working out, “muscles” unable to comprehend strenuous activity.
By the end of the second week, the unemployed feel guilty about not having taken full advantage of the free gym trial and are disproportionately sore from their relatively meager workouts. They have also have taken to disconnecting the phone to avoid the gym staff trying to sell some expensive membership, then connecting it again to await news from the job interview. When the unemployed notice red spots on their body, they tell the gym staff they’ll never join because they picked up a fungal rash or ringworm from the facilities. They’re later embarrassed to find out it’s the beginning of a bed sore. Eventually, the unemployed realize the job offer is never going to come, the gym stops calling, and that permanent groove in the couch and/or bed is just too enticing to ignore, especially with chip crumbs to desperately pick up and eat.
Tags: letting yourself go, unemployment weight gain, working out
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I’m cracking up reading this blog entry…because I’m actually reading this while eating some 3 day old spaghetti. And I’m not even hungry. Please God…send me a job quick..
hahahaha yes, all true. Insatiable boredom hunger. Needing pants. Cant fit into my normal human jeans.
God help me.
I have secretly wanted to “FATTEN UP” my wifey since we met 2 years ago. And I found plenty of advice online on how to subtly do it, but she worked on her feet all day until layoffs hit her job. Now that shes home all day shes begun putting on the pounds like crazy. I mix heavy cream into her milk, cook her food with a pound of butter a day, and make sure she eats a dozen donuts or eclairs daily in addition to four heavy meals daily. My lovely homebound wife has exploded from 147 to more than 275 pounds this past 2 years! At first she complained but I showed her my secret stash of “Fat Admirer” photos and stories from other Feeder husbands. She agreed to stop her weigh gain at 300 pounds but lately I’ve been dreaming of feediing her up to at least 500 pounds. Then I would need to reinforce the furniture to withstand her weight. I could think of no finer goal than to build my very own Circus Fat Lady. Your photo of the black woman who gained weight inspired me to confess all this. Thank you!
Go for it dude, I’m doing the exact same thing.
OMG! I made a grilled cheese and potato chip sandwich last week! I felt embarassed even though I was home alone because, but it was sooooo good that I made and ate a second one. This week, I’ve been eating only raw fruits and vegetables because I’m too broke to buy a new interview suit. Not that I have any interviews…let me see if there’s any Velveeta (ok, store brand rectangular loaf of Cheese Spread) left.
Interestingly, I find that the less I work the less I eat. I only work 2 days a week and the rest of the time I sleep a lot and survive on cereal, bread and pasta. The only place I put on weight is when I’m home with the parents as I pig out on some good wholesome food washed down with glasses of wine.
Used to work at UPS. Got laid off. Gained 20 lbs in yr.1/2. I just cant get it off? This site is the funniest thing ive ever seen. Thank you.
I got laid of two years ago. When I was in my working days i weighed
128 pounds. But since I got laid of i have packed on more 150 pounds. The perminent grove in the matris is calling good bye.
I see I’m not the only one who thinks like “Secret Feeder” because I’ve been doing the same thing with my wife. The only difference is my wife started out obese when she was laid off 11/2 years ago (280lbs). With my help she has since fattened up to 365lbs and is still eating like there is no tomorrow. Hopefully she will continue right up through 400 or 500lbs. At this point I doubt she will going back to work unless carnivals start employing sideshow fat ladies again. In fact she confided in me the other day that she doesn’t intend to go back to work unless it is home based and that’s okay with me.
@SecretFeeder and @Wulf:
Your wives are luckyyyyyy! I’m a single feedee, intending on gaining, but the only feeder I have is a friend half a country away who sends me encouraging texts. I found this article by googling ‘weight gain’… I wish I could find an exclusive, committed relationship with a feeder willing to make me his chubby wifey, rather than an unattached text friendship with someone I may never meet. :/
I find that Ive lost wgt maybe because I very,very depressed so I can fit in my clothes but I dont have any money to go to clubs,parties or dates