When unemployed, it’s important to set some goals for the day, depending on how ambitious someone without a job can actually be. These goals can range from something as simple as taking a shower, escalate to the level of leaving the house, and be as grand as a New Years resolution to get in shape even though that’s never going to happen.
Unemployed people don’t really set goals for themselves in advance. For example, saying, “I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and be productive” is not a good goal because unemployed people already don’t have a job or money, so they don’t need more disappointment in life when they fail to have a morning. Instead, when they wake up at noon, they’re more likely to tell themselves, “I’m going to leave the house today to buy a burrito for lunch.” After they check their email.
Once the computer goes on, the odds of getting out of the house decrease by 33% because there are emails to check, news to read, people to chat with, and jobs to browse. If the TV is flipped on for “background noise” the odds decrease even more because who doesn’t get sucked in by Oprah? By the time things are wrapped up on the computer, and Oprah gets to her final thought that is all about her, the unemployed person will be near the point of starvation and will have to make an executive decision about leaving the house. At that point, they have to weigh the pros and cons about whether a burrito is really worth getting ready to go out.
A burrito would be really good, but showering and getting dressed would delay “gettin’ food in the belly.” And if they eat in the afternoon, for a meal that’s essentially linner, they chance not being hungry for the take-out they’ll convince their significant other to pick up after work because they’ll still not have made themselves presentable to go out by dinner time. One quick check of the bank account solidifies the decision to stay in. The unemployed don’t get upset because failing to do something is still doing something. Besides, they managed to avoid having to shower, and will get a free dinner that would be more expensive than a burrito - so therefore they managed to save money for the day. And that’s success.
Tags: hermit, not taking showers, staying shut in, unemployment fail
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this site is awesome! you should do one about daytime tv.
not much beats eating cheetos in your pajamas on the couch while watching people’s court, maury povich, and the price is right.
*** LOVE THIS SITE***
I grapple with the decision of whether or not to send in a postcard to Regis & Kelly so that I might win their travel-trivia contest and go on a vacation. The disappointment I would feel if I got the question wrong would send me over the edge though — so I opt for just day dreaming about where I might go if I won.
Go for your dreams, lawdidoti. If you mess up with Regis & Kelly you can always find consolation in buy a lotto ticket. Then you can really dream big.
I left my apartment today and have to leave it tomorrow. I hope it will miss me as much as miss it.
Ha ha. Exact same thought process, as sadly funny as that may be.
So sad as it is so true. Which is why it is also so funny.
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How about when the lack of a shower would be a dead give away to your significant other that you’ve accomplished absolutely nothing? Usually the daily shower takes place at 4:59 pm just moments before the significant other arrives home- talk about an adreniline rush. Often times the unemployed person will shower in a different bathroom so as the fresh water drops will then be untraceable (wet walls or a damp bathmat in the shared facilities is like a time stamp). The unemployed female will often tie her wet hair back into a tight pony tail to avoid the ever present question, “Did you just now shower?”
Guilty.
Once the computer goes on, the odds of getting out of the house decrease by 33%
SO TRUE
2pm: My unemployed daughter and I are sitting in different rooms of the house staring into computer screens. I’ve been sitting here in my gym clothes for five hours, trying to get up the motivation to go into the bedroom and take a nap. At least I got into my gym clothes. Daughter is still in pajamas, having rolled out of bed at 11am. I swore I was going to do something today, just can’t remember what.
I laughed through this entire article. It’s funny, because it’s true.
OMG so true… why didnt i find this website earlier???
“the unemployed person will be near the point of starvation and will have to make an executive
decision about leaving the house”….this is me, just about every day, dang.
“One quick check of the bank account solidifies the decision to stay in”…yep, I go to the fridge/pantry, and typically find something to eat that doesn’t go together and I end up “paying” for it later :/
Love this site! Feels just a little better to be unemployed now
ha!